Shame With Self Care?

It's no mystery that our world is full of different people who enjoy their time in various ways. Some may love a good McFlurry, whereas another would prefer something completely different. When it comes to therapy skills and strategies, the same is absolutely true. Although, if the suggested approach (or something that seems to work for "everyone") isn't for you, we may instead feel there is something wrong with us... "Why don't I feel relaxed in nature!? Doesn't everyone love nature? I need to get better at liking nature so I can relax!" It's no surprise this approach is actually heightening our anxiety and adding an extra element suggesting we need to change ourselves to access relaxation. And of course we should try different things, and may even want to give them a solid chance before we write them off, but also, if we don't like something it's ok!

Years ago a Psychiatrist comforted a patient with a sentence that has forever stuck with me, "You don't have to apologize for the way you exist in the world." There. That's it! I don't have to try to be someone else, or have shame with self care if what works for the majority isn't my thing. And in counselling we don't want to take a cookie cutter approach. We want to ask lots of questions and use curiosity to identify what might be helpful for you. Yes, there are many tried and true approaches (ex. Paced breathing), but maybe there is variation in how we do it. For instance, after going for a run I find stretching quite boring. I still stretch, but instead follow a 10 minute Peloton post-run stretch video. This way I don't have to think, "How long am I holding this? I'm bored..." and instead just follow along. I use a similar mindset with meditation. Some may find the idea of such daunting, but if there is a willingness to try, maybe begin with a guided meditation app. And if this still isn't your "jam," that's useful information! We can then explore other ways to increase mindfulness (ex. Reflective journaling).

I'm here to say, it is absolutely ok to be yourself at all stages of your journey. If an approach isn't for you, you're encouraged to share this with your therapist. There is no one size fits all, and while we may start with the bigger suggestions, I'm always about fine tuning what works for you. We don't need to fit these approaches or tools, we need them to fit us. With creativity and the support of a therapist, there can be productive conversations leading to helpful strategies!

Danielle van Schaik